What if?

As i am writing this post, tears swelled my eyes.

Have you all asked yourself this question before? What if a close friend of yours had a scarred childhood? How would you handle it? And how well can you handle it? Even if you do your best, there is always this essence of gap that separates both of you. Yes I believe a human can empathise and yet conforms. The latter is definitely easier to do however hypocritical at the same time. That leaves us to the harder choice, to empathise; how many of you can raise up your hands confidently and say that hey Aloysius, i am cool, i know how you are feeling. The truth is as cold and hard as a concrete floor left abandoned in the night; nobody will ever understand. They may try but they will never be anywhere near the bull's eye.

In my eyes i see people mutilated by their past, innocent victims of their dreaded past. Maybe i am one of them, maybe thats why i sense a midst of emptiness in my childhood days. No one is perfect, but some are lucky. Some have a full or rather a holistic childhood, while others a lopsided one.

I told myself, no matter how say, depressed or alone. I wouldn't attempt to hurt anyone. I had a teacher once, but i have forgotten his name or even his looks. But there was something that he said that i will never forget. It was in chinese, yuan yuan xiang bao he shi liao, meaning revenge will lead to no where but more revenge. And i thought hey thats enlightening. Hatred and anger only creates more hatred and anger. When someone hates someone, there is an insidious effect affecting the people around the person; then a vicious cycle occurs.

Maybe back then when i was young, i tried in all my ways to be sensitive so as to avoid making people angry and sad. That certainty saves a lot of trouble. However in a way its also bad because it teaches me how to avoid stuff. Now i am still as sensitive as i were, but in a weird way another part of me tells me to be ignorant, it wants me to fail and stop avoiding. He says stop being a nice person all the time! Well i know most of you wouldn't understand anyway so i am just going to stop here. And no, i dont have voices in my head, i am not suffering from schizophrenia. I am perfectly fine. I have my own problems to settle. Or maybe sometimes all we need is just a hug.